Friday, September 30, 2005

Hatch Rant - Gyms

Gyms suck.

I feel like I'm ready to start adding resistance training to my current regimen, and my employer offers to reimburse about 20 bucks a month for gym membership. Now I know the YMCA is going to charge me $54.00 a month. It's on their web site. I could probably get it down a little bit if I didn't get the city-wide membership, but from my previous Y experience, it's nice to go to some of the different facilities around town because they have different equipment, classes, and such.

There's a brand new Gold's Gym right next to my local YMCA, and there's a World Gym in Mt. Juliet that's on the way to my daughter's school. So at lunch today I decided to call them to see if their rates were comparable or hopefully even less than the YMCA.

I call World Gym first and spend 5 minutes hemming and hawing with the guy on the phone. First he tells me there's "about 30 different payment options depending on what you want." I tell him that's fine, but just to get a baseline what's the price for a single membership per month if I sign up for a year? He goes into more doublespeak before finally saying he can't really give out rates over the phone, I'd have to come in for the tour. I got mad at this point and said "Well why the hell didn't you say that in the first place when I told you I wanted to find out some rates?" Then I hung up.

Then I called Gold's Gym. The guy there was a little more helpful, but he still went through a whole canned sales pitch and seemed determined to try and get me into the gym today. I told him there was no way I could come in today, so he starts telling me that it's the end of the month and the rates are going up tomorrow. If I came in today he could probably sign me up for somewhere around $39 to $49 a month, but tomorrow it would probably be around $65. I'm pretty sure this is probably complete BS, and I'll find out when I call back next week and let all my readers know.

During each phone call, I felt similar to the way I feel when I'm in a car dealership. What I really want is for someone to open the equivalent of a Carmax gym and just tell me what the fricking rate is every month. Is that too much to ask?

So at this point I'm going to use the old garage weight set and maybe sign up for the YMCA membership again in a month or so. At least they have a nice large heated indoor pool so I can swim some laps, which Gold's and World Gym don't have. It won't be as nice as the 5 million dollar Gold's gym, but I guess I can do without the plasma monitors on the treadmills and cycles.
Oh Woe is the Plateau

This is my third or fourth day at 308 pounds. I haven't cheated at all, and I've been walking more, so I'm not too worried yet. I guess I'm going to have to haul my lard ass out to the greenway this weekend and get some serious calorie burning going.

On another note, Paul and I are going to see Serenity tonight. That lousy S.O.B. Steve Jackson got to see a sneak preview of it last night and said it was awesome. I really hope it does well enough that SciFi or Fox will consider bringing the series back.

Secret Message : Pipart? You still bwow me.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Heartache of Polanski

Articles like this one on make me ill. Roman Polanski lost his mother in a Nazi death camp and lost his wife to Manson, so we should all forgive and forget the fact that he's a child molester? At one point the article says that Polanski is "Exiled from the United States..." Nice pandering by the reporter who wrote this. Get a clue. He's not exiled, he's a fugitive from a crime that he pled guilty to. He had sex with a 13 year old girl and chose not to take any responsibility for it. He shouldn't be allowed to even show movies here. Pervert.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Penny Arcade

I've never read Penny Arcade before, but Steve Jackson pointed it out today and I took a look. It's been a few hours and I'm still giggling over the last ad about the Snake Cover in Monday's Edition.
Top 10 Reasons the TOL Sold Out

From the home office in Coontown, Alabama we've just received from Heff the latest Top 10 list. Actually it was a top 8, so I've taken the liberty of adding a few to round it out. So now, without delay, we present The Top 10 Reasons the TOL Commander Sold Out!

10. Being rebellious without a cause just getting too damned old.
9. Need wampum to purchase new guitar to be pawned to be featured as new "Guitar of the Past."
8. Trying to raise enough cash to afford "The Big Breakfast" for Heather.
7. Hiring half naked ho's every Friday more expensive than first thought.
6. Rent money, rent money, rent money.
5. Having the T.O.L. silkscreened on thongs to be worn by countless females across the world just too cool NOT to do.
4. Using Cafe Press much more affordable than opening "The Trailer Of Worthless Crap."
3. Two words : DENTIST BILLS.
2. Big Bill demanding even more of his lunch money these days.
1. Jimi the dog finally fed up with being forced to lick other people's privates for cash.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Break on Through

So by late last week I was down to 314 pounds, which was a total of 10 pounds lost. I was on that weight for a few days which was my first mini-plateau. I knew I was going to have to up the exercise level to break through it. My friend Brian from church had asked me to help move him out of his house into an apartment they're going to be living in while their new house is being built.

So I showed up at his house Friday night about 7:30 and helped empty out his garage and put it all in the garage at his new apartment. This took about 3 hours since he's sort of a packrat and the garage was stuffed with junk, including a couple of nice big workout machines. About 10:30 I stumbled home covered in sweat, took 3 Tylenol, and passed out. My legs were rubber the next day and my back was threatening to start spasming, but I was down to 312 that morning.

I spent about 5 more hours on Saturday helping move the rest of the house, but I wasn't nearly as useful as I was the night before. I stuck hard to the diet throughout though, so as of this morning I weigh 310, which is a total of 14 pounds lost in 14 days. Not too shabby. Now I've just got to be sure to keep up the exercise level so I can power on down below 300 in the next two weeks.

I'm doing something different for lunch this time around. I go to the supermarket deli and have them slice up about 3lbs of smoked turkey breast in slices that about as thick as you would normally get bologna sliced. It costs about 20 bucks for that much meat, but spreading it out over 5 days at lunch makes it only about 4 dollars a day, which is very reasonable. I throw in a few slices of cheddar as well.

Supper has been mostly omelets or fried eggs along with a big sturdy glass of Metamucil. I've taken Uncle Bull's sagely advice and cut way back on the hot sauce, so things down below are much less painful this time around.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Heff Smash!

At the risk of my PG-13 rating, I give you Heff's latest photoshop. I think he's trying to encourage me to work out and stay on the diet, but it will probably just scare the next young child to stumble over my blog.

I'm on my 10th full day of the diet with no cheating incidents yet. I've lost 10 lbs and my pants are not a threat to take out anyone's eye when a button pops off.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


This blog is rated PG-13. People's mother's read this blog, so please keep the comments as clean as possible. I just had to remove a rather nasty comment that involved my wife, who is very pregnant. I seriously don't need anything making her even more emotional right now. I also removed Heff's long boxing comment because, well, it was a LONG boxing comment. Feel free to target me as much as you want, but please leave family out of it.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Happy Birthday McRay!

My old college buddy Mike Ray turned 40 today. I first met Mike over 19 years ago at the University of Alabama and shortly thereafter he snuck me into the first bar I'd ever been to in the US. I can't even remember the name of it, now. It was on the strip, though. Tempus fugit.
Top 10 Reasons Heff Never Leaves Columbiana

10. It's the only part of Shelby County that has been declared a Mullet Refuge.
9. PT Cruiser takes too long to get up enough speed to get over that hill to Calera.
8. Halloween warrant from Chilton County still outstanding.
7. Bob won't let him take any time off.
6. Twenty-five years of Playboy magazines can't be left alone at home that long.
5. Driving that far might actually involve buying gas more than once a month.
4. An ex-wife/girlfriend in every surrounding city.
3. Mame cabinet construction much more important than visiting friends.
2. Can't leave computer because he might miss the next exciting Trailer of Love post.
1. If you can't roll the windows down and feel the wind through your hair why bother?
Hatch Suffers

So practically everyone in my office went to Monell's today for lunch. I've never been there but have heard many good stories about it. It's basically a sit-down all you can eat Meat and Three. Everyone crowds around big tables and they pass around big bowls of whatever they're serving that day and you eat as much as you want.

People at the office said things like "Come on, Hatch, you've been good this week, it won't hurt." I resisted though, because I've been flawless on my low carb diet for 4 days now. My energy boost kicked in today and I even walked around the block for 15 minutes at lunch today. My crappy scales were giving the typical wild readings this morning but I believe I'm down 5 pounds since Tuesday morning. The weekends are always the biggest test, so stay tuned Monday for more updates.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Reasons to Lose Weight

1. Live to see my daughter get married.
2. Live to see my son grow up.
3. Live to see my grandkids.
4. The ability to have a job that doesn't involve sitting in a cube all day.
5. Be able to drive up I65 and kick Uncle Bull's ass.
6. Be able to drive down I65 and kick Heff's ass. (And stop at McRay's for ribs.)
7. Hiking, biking, and being able to walk down the sidewalk without sweat pouring off.
8. Saving everyone money on broken chairs.
9. Belly button could potentially be fully cleaned out.
10. Added gas mileage on the Honda.

Feel free to add more.
Sincere Apologies to Paul Simon

Hello Ketosis, my old friend
You've come to stalk my breath again
Because my belly softly creeping
Rolled off the bed while I was sleeping
And the fat cells that were planted round my frame
Still remains
Within the fat of Hatchness.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Man

I'll never see this movie. I wouldn't even bring it up normally, but I think the previews for this movie have struck me as some of the most uninteresting and boring dreck I've ever seen. I mean I've never watched a Pauly Shore movie, but at least I've giggled or smiled at something in the previews for them. How utterly bad does a movie have to be when you can't come up with a single funny moment to put in a preview? Does anyone really want to watch 90 minutes of Eugene Levy anyway? What kind of dirt did the producer have on Samuel L. Jackson to get him to appear in this? Well, he was anxious to appear in the recent Star Wars movies, so obviously he's lost his touch on picking the best projects to appear in.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Line of Hatchers

Sadly, the Hatcher line turns into gypsies and coal miners when you go only a few generations back, so we don't know anything past my grandfather's grandfather. Here's the direct line as it will stand come this December.

Jackson Hatcher
--Aus C. Hatcher (Maybe Ausc Hatcher)
----Luthor Vernon Hatcher (His brother was James Arthur Hatcher)
------James Aubry Hatcher
--------James Alan Hatcher (Yours truly)
----------Jackson Aidan Hatcher

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Jackson Aidan Hatcher

So most of you probably already know from emails, but we found out a week ago today that our baby is going to be a boy. We were all standing in the examining room looking at the black and white images of the ultrasound when Marissa started pointing at the screen saying "What's that?!?"

The technician said she thought it was the umbilical cord, but kept moving the probe around and suddenly this huge phallus came into focus. The boy is hung like a bear, I'm telling you. Victoria was disappointed since she wanted a little sister. I honestly would have been happy with either but I sort of wanted a boy more.

I actually spent the last few months alternately imagining a little girl or a little boy, so the potential little girl faded out of existence last week, which is a little sad. We're all really excited though, and can't wait to meet our little man this December.