Columbiana(AP) - In this small Alabama town in central Shelby County, local businessman and skullet wearer Jefferson "Bowels" Falkner is today still attempting to get his panties unwadded. For unknown reasons, Mr. Falkner found yesterday that his panties had mysteriously just "wadded up." "I had just finished talking to Hatch, one of my oldest and dearest friends," said Mr. Falkner. "I hung up the phone and then I ran to the bathroom, where I discovered, to my own horror, that not only was I mysteriously wearing panties, but that they were hopelessly wadded up."
Though emergency services were dispatched, Mr. Falkner refused their aid and continues today to attempt removal of the wadded panties. "If I could just get my butt-cheeks to unclench a little, I'm sure they'd come right off," Mr. Falkner was last heard to say.