Tuesday, December 28, 2004

When Hatch Sits Around Atlanta....

So I'm sitting in Atlanta without a lot to do. Things haven't really gotten going yet on the new contract so finding something productive to do becomes problematic.

Christmas was nice, other than the ice and the cold in Nashville. I got the extended edition of The Return of the King, and Marissa got a digital camera, so there may be photos on the blog soon as half my readership has requested. Victoria ended up with mostly electronic gifts and cash, so she's pretty happy with her Christmas loot haul.

Monday, December 20, 2004

The Banished Hatch

I'm back in Atlanta after a restful weekend at home. I woke up about 4:30 this morning and left Nashville at about 5:30. It took me right at 3.5 hours to make the drive to the parking deck at Home Depot. Traffic was fairly light even on I-75.

Marissa and I went to see Christmas with the Cranks yesterday afternoon. It was fairly amusing, but nothing really special. Jamie Lee Curtis has reached the point where she should avoid scenes in a bikini I think. She's still pretty, but the wrinkles are starting to show. I'm curious if Tim Allen can actually make a non-Christmas based movie anymore.

Friday, December 17, 2004

A Wayward Hatch

I've started a new contract at Home Depot in Atlanta, and haven't had much luck getting internet access this week, so that's partly to blame for the lack of updates. I sincerely apologize to both of you that read this blog and hope to do better in the future but don't hold your breath.

This past weekend I finished putting in bamboo hardwood flooring in our master bedroom that I ordered for $2.79 a square foot from HardWoodBrokers.com. I did a pretty good job despite help from Paul Clemmons who seems to be taking way too much credit on his blog. I'll try to have some photos up of it soon.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Pissed Eagles

A Sports Illustrated writer has pretty much summed up my whole opinion nicely concerning the Auburn BCS controversy in a recent article. I didn't even realize that The Citadel was a Division 1aa school! You can't completely pad your schedule and expect to be taken seriously. Although I do think the SEC needs to seriously think about booting out some of the consistently crappy teams as well. I'd also have to say that Alabama needs to work on getting some better non-conference games scheduled as well. I still say the 1986 season when they played Ohio State, Notre Dame, and Penn State was one of the most ballsy schedules evar, even if it only turned out to be a so-so season.

The best thing about all this is that the Auburn fans know deep in the pit of their stomach that if Alabama was undefeated at this point they'd be ranked #1 or #2 just because they're Alabama. Auburn has too many years of being the little cow-college that couldn't behind them to overcome. They can line up their little triumphs like beating Alabama this year or being undefeated in Tuscaloosa, but until they line up 12 National Championships they're always going to sound whiney just like they do this year.

As the great Sam Kinison once said about the Russian Space Program, "you want to impress us? Go to the moon and bring back our flag!"

Thursday, November 18, 2004

New Distributed Project

If you've got a computer that you leave turned on most of the time and only do minor office work with, you should consider downloading and installing the World Community Grid software. I've been participating in distributed projects for about 6 years now, mostly with the Mersenne Prime project, where I'm still ranked #70 in the world for large number factoring. I've donated the equivalent of running a Pentium 90 for 131 years non-stop. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a new network that looks to be very promising for doing useful work.
Mombo Drive

Holy crap! 400 gigs of storage on one hard drive. I remember when I bought my first Intel computer about 12 years ago I splurged and got a 120 meg drive. A friend in Birmingham scoffed at me and kept saying how "you'll never use that much space." Now personally, I'd be hard pressed to fill up 400 gigs right now, although I'm sure my friend Heff could use it on his latest crusade to collect every video of Christi Canyon in existence.
Oh Give Me A Break

I finally watched the infamous introduction from this week's Monday Night Football that has everyone screaming about indecency. Let's face it, there was more skin shown in the Miss America pagent this year. Plus whoever the blond chick is, she's not really very attractive. Why didn't they use Teri Hatcher? Maybe we should all write to the FCC to complain about that.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Another Joke

(In response to Heff's joke...)

Heff, Hatch, and Butterworth journey into the jungle on an expedition to find the Lost Boobies of Paradise. Within a few days they are captured by cannibals and brought before the chief.

"You must journey into jungle. You must bring back 10 pieces of fruit. Now go!"

The three intrepid adventurers set off in different directions to finish their task. Butterworth comes back first with a handful of 10 apples.

"Now you must insert fruit into rectum without changing your expression in a test of confidence or we will kill and eat you."

Butterworth inserts the first 3 apples without changing expression, but on the 4th one he grimaces in pain. The cannibals quickly kill and eat him.

Hatch comes back with 10 grapes and is given the same task. He quickly inserts 9 grapes, but on the 10th grape he suddenly busts out in laughter. He is also quickly killed and eaten.

Butterworth and Hatch meet in the afterlife soon after Hatch's death.

"Dude, what happened," says Butterworth? "You were almost finished!"

"I couldn't help it," said Hatch. "I looked up and saw Heff coming back with 10 pineapples!"

Monday, November 08, 2004

Heff Blog

My friend Heff now has his blog up about small town life.
Rock and Roll Over that Bowl of Cheetos

Finally something for Heff to do with his old KISS albums.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Happy Birthday!

I want to wish a Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Marissa! She's celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of her 29th birthday today. Love you baby!

Just so I don't get an angry and tearful email, I also want to send out a birthday fart to my friend Heff, who is also celebrating another year of wasted life by turning 37 today. I'm only thankful that if either of us actually makes it to 40, Heff will go first.

Yesterday our friend Mok would have turned 37 as well, but he didn't.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Pass me some of that Eversmack

So I've been playing Everquest off and on for about 5 years now. Sony recently announced that Everquest 2 will be released on Nov. 8. Looks like a whole new addiction will be taking over soon.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Online Map

Online maps are nothing new, but someone recently turned me on to a new one that I've been using a lot lately. Map24 USA lets you very quickly zoom from Continent size down to 20 meters as long as your browser can load a Java app. Very nice interface and level of detail.

Monday, October 18, 2004

News from Columbiana

I got some slightly disturbing news from my friend Jeff in Columbiana over the weekend. He sent me an email Saturday night. He had obviously had a few too many beers and seemed to be in a mood to tell truths that he might not normally reveal. It seems Jeff relayed his true feelings for me and that he had been having erotic fantasies about me since back in our high school days at Shelby County High.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's quite shocking to be sure. I suppose I need a few days to digest this before I try to answer him.
Hatch in Black

Sorry about the lack of updates. Hatch sucks, but I'm back! Nothing of note to post really, but I thought I'd regale you with some boring Hatch facts. Oct. 15, 2004 was the 4th anniversary of my quitting smoking. 1464 days now without a cigarette.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Someone Take His Head

I saw Adrian Paul a few days ago on a television show that I didn't recognize. I did an IMDB search for him and I still don't know what show it was I saw him in. I did, however, find a movie he filmed recently called E5 which is still in post-production.

The movie has an official website. I'm shocked at how low Mr. Paul has sunk. Check out this synopsis of the movie. The hero of the movie, who is not Adrian Paul, has to "fight his way to the surface" from the fifth level of an underground parking garage, trying to escape a madman in a monster truck. The tagline "Parking Your Car Will Never Be The Same Again" nearly made me spurt coffee through my nose. This has direct to video written all over it.
Fair and Equal?

I realize that anyone who's ever had to deal with the judicial system in this country knows that it's in a sorry state of affairs. Here's an example that I first learned of from Fark.com, but I dug up some other information.

District Court Judge R. Patrick Hayman in Ocean City, made the new recently for acquitting a Maryland University football player because the player's lawyer said a conviction for cursing at police and resisting arrest could ruin his career.

A week earlier, this same judge threw the book at an 18 year old woman. Her crime? Cursing at police and resisting arrest.

Unfortunately, this judge is appointed by the Governor of Maryland and they're stuck with him until 2009.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Blog Htis

It appears I've been hijacked along with Blogger. Check out this website hatch.blogpsot.com. It leads to a web page predicting the Apocalypse. I've heard of this kind of thing before, but it's the first time I've personally been exposed to it. Thanks to PC for the heads up about this.
Blog Comments

Fellow Malleteer Jeff Robertson finally added comments to his blog after much cajoling from myself and perhaps others. Now I call for Novarese to add them to his blog. Too many times we've had to let some geeky story about a flashlight get archived without the proper amount of ridicule being applied! The people demand comments on Gammatron!

Monday, August 16, 2004


D.B.A.N. today was 298. I weigh less now than I did at the first of the year, but I'm still a good 80 to 90 lbs overweight. I started induction on the Atkin's diet yesterday. I'm not going to do a lot of planning or talking about it this time. I'm just going to stick to the diet and walk. This morning I'm going through the usual 2nd day Atkins sugar crash, so I'm about to fall asleep at my desk.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Clemmons Busted

So after all these years, Paul's claim of revenge turns out to be so much fluff. I guess Chris will be the only one that can stand over PC's grave and say "I got you." Heh, heh, heh.
Pass the White Meat

Now we finally know why Ferlie's family is so happy she married Paul. He can feed them well.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Time to go Back?

It's hard to believe it's been more than 25 years since a spaceship built by Andy Griffith landed on the Moon. We should all remember the brave crew of Salvage 1 and hope that someday soon another eccentric group of folks will attempt the same feat.
Happy Birthday Al!

Birthday greetings to Al Butterworth, who turns 35 today. He celebrated it this week by going to the KISS Geriatrics tour stop in Birmingham. I understand he also has a new beard, so congratulations on that as well.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Early Senility

Yesterday was the 2nd Anniversary of the day I married my beautiful wife, Marissa. The day before I spent some time in a Hallmark store, looking for the perfect card. I found one that expressed all the sentiments that I wanted and was really pretty, with roses and such. I bought it, and spent some time signing it and writing a few nice paragraphs that I really meant from the heart.

So Marissa opens it yesterday and calls me at work. "It was a really sweet card," she says. "It also says 'Happy Birthday' on the inside."

I'm sure I may live this down by the time we hit our 20th Anniversary or so. Maybe.
Worth a Deuce?

We go live now to our skullet in the field, Heff Falkner, who has a report on last night's KISS concert in Birmingham.

Dude. If you get a chance to see KISS this year, do it. The kids loved it, although after the second hour, the effect kinda wore thin with them. Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer have done their homework. The set list was vastly different from the last 5 years. They played songs they haven't done live in almost 20 years, and they upped the pyro a few notches this time. Paul Stanley suffered heat exaustion in Florida last week, and they cancelled 2 shows. Birmingham was the first show after his "recovery". It was cool, and in my opinion, probably their last tour.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Courage of the Dachshund

With the arrival of our dachshund puppy about 10 days ago, I've taken to regailing everyone available with stories about dachshunds from my childhood. My wife and daughter are totally exasperated with me telling this one particular story so much, so I thought I should immortalize it by putting it on the Internet.

When I was around 8 years old or so, I was playing in the driveway at my parent's house in Westover, Alabama. I heard a rattling noise and looked up to see a large rattlesnake about 6 feet or so from me, coiled up and looking pretty angry and scary.

I immediately started screaming for my Mom, but she was inside the house and didn't hear me. Our two full sized dachshunds Heidi and Lady, however, heard me and came out of the carport to investigate. They immediately started harassing the snake as it started striking at them they went into a sort of frenzy and ended up tearing the snake to bits. Unless it's been badly abused at some point, a dachshund is almost without fear and very protective of their family.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Firefox Coming on Strong

I'm not sure where they gather their information or how accurate it is, but I've been watching this list of web browser statistics for the last few months. The percentage share of IE has actually begun to shrink in favor of Mozilla browsers. I had to lay down the law at the Hatcher household recently and force everyone to use Firefox so I wouldn't have to spend hours every week cleaning out spyware and viruses. Someone has still been cheating and using IE. She's being observed carefully and evidence is being gathered...

If you haven't tried Firefox, you really should. The tabbed browsing alone is worth it, along with not having to worry about popups. I've found there are very few sites that don't work well with it, with the exceptions mostly being Microsoft sites that you should stay away from anyway.

Monday, July 26, 2004

New Hatcher Baby

This past Friday we had a new addition to the Hatcher household. She's an 8 week old black and tan Dachshund puppy that we've named Annie, in celebration of our upcoming two year anniversary. I'll have some pictures of her up soon.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

HCA Busted

As many of you know, my recent hospital stay ran up a very large bill, especially with Summit Medical Center which is owned and operated by HCA. I already knew this, but here's more proof that I am being vastly overcharged for my stay there and the surgery. Here's a report from Consejos de Latinos that hopefully will help me with my situation as well

Monday, July 12, 2004

Action Figures

Follow this link to order action figures of George Bush, John Kerry, or even Osama Bin Laden. Accessories also available, such as a French Maid Outfit. Very cool stuff.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Update on A Feast For Crows

George R.R. Martin has updated his website concerning the progress of A Feast For Crows. He's making progress but it looks like there may be a little ways to go on it. I'd rather he takes his time and gets it right myself, but apparently some of the rabid fanboys are getting antsy, at least according to Martin. Sounds like something that Paul Clemmons and the Evil Tennessee Tobacco Lobby would do.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Serenity Now!

The Official Website for the new Firefly movie has recently appeared. Not much to it yet, but the blog by a secret castmember is amusing.
Too Late for Heff?

Looks like I quit smoking at just the right time. It's been 1349 days since I last smoked a cigarette. I was 32 at the time, so according to the study I may have added 10 years or more to my life. Of course being a fatass is taking 10 years off I'm sure.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Gordian Knot?

Columbiana(AP) - In this small Alabama town in central Shelby County, local businessman and skullet wearer Jefferson "Bowels" Falkner is today still attempting to get his panties unwadded. For unknown reasons, Mr. Falkner found yesterday that his panties had mysteriously just "wadded up." "I had just finished talking to Hatch, one of my oldest and dearest friends," said Mr. Falkner. "I hung up the phone and then I ran to the bathroom, where I discovered, to my own horror, that not only was I mysteriously wearing panties, but that they were hopelessly wadded up."

Though emergency services were dispatched, Mr. Falkner refused their aid and continues today to attempt removal of the wadded panties. "If I could just get my butt-cheeks to unclench a little, I'm sure they'd come right off," Mr. Falkner was last heard to say.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Scamming the Scammers

Here's a great series of articles where someone plays along with various Nigerian Bank Scammers in a very humorous way. I may have to try this myself sometime.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Da, dum, dum, boom

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Big Shoes" McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a man to death in a rice field by using only 2 small porcelain figures.

He went on to claim that this was the first known case of a knick knack patty whack.

I'm here all week folks, try the veal...

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Foul Ball Jerk

I guess you'd have to be pretty stupid to ruin your reputation and be called a jerk by pretty much the whole nation, but a guy named Matt Starr seems to have risen to the occasion.
Blind Drunk Driving

I've been to Peachtree City, where this incident took place. It's odd to see so many golf carts everywhere. You even see them going over special bridges that cross the highway.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Darwin Award Candidate?

A reporter filming a story about a dangerous intersection walks into oncoming traffic.

Friday, June 04, 2004

At Leest They Admit There Stoopid

The National Spelling Bee was picketed by people protesting the complexity of the English language. I don't understand what's to picket about. There's no law saying you have to spell things correctly. I almost wonder if they were even serious or not. This is almost like a Monty Python sketch.
Heff and his Flaming PT Cruiser

Looks like my suspicions about Heff's vehicle have been confirmed. It's a flamer.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I Really, Really Want to Be There

Scaled Composites has set a launch date of June 21 for their first attempt at being the first private manned space launch. No word on whether this is also an attempt at claiming the X-Prize or not.

Update: According to the official press release, this is not an X-Prize attempt.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Where's My Certificate?

An interview with the always entertaining Gene Simmons, whose new album will be out soon.

Sunday, May 30, 2004


Ah, the memories of my first computer. I wish I still had some of my old cassette tapes of the programs I wrote back then so I could archive them.

Halo 2

A great first impression of Halo 2 from someone who played it at E3.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

For Sale: Slightly Used Pacemaker

So I went to see my heart doctor yesterday and it turns out I don't necessarily need a pacemaker right now. My heart block has resolved. It could come back, and they never take pacemakers out once they put them in.

Everyone has told me I should be "thankful that I have the pacemaker." I realize that's true, but I really wish everyone would stop telling me that for now. It's hard to swallow that I'm stuck with a computer planted in my chest for the rest of my life.
Is His Foot as Big as His Tongue?

Despite what he claims, seeing as how Gene Simmons is Jewish I suspect he meant every word he said.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Scenic Route

I took an alternate route home yesterday evening to avoid some construction traffic and I drove by the Air National Guard portion of the Nashville Airport, where I saw Air Force One from about 150 yards away. I wish I had a camera with me at the time. I also saw the plane that made an emergency landing from a bomb threat sitting out on a runway far away from everything. I'm glad I didn't have to fly in or out of Nashville yesterday.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Where's Mo's Tavern

This a very cool guide to Springfield, home of the Simpsons. Check out the big map. I can't find Mo's Tavern yet, though.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Just Pay Hatch

This new diet device may be one of the dumbest things I've heard of in a long time. Using something like this is just admitting that you're a complete loser who has no hope of ever doing anything about being fat. I'm fat, but I know that I need to eat less and exercise more. If you're ever thinking about buying one of these, don't. Just pay me the $400.00, spend 8 weeks eating every meal with me, and if it looks like you're eating too much I'll punch you in the nuts. That should soon train you to eat smaller portions.

How do head-on train collisions still happen? Would it not be fairly inexpensive to mount multiple cheap sensors in the tracks that start broadcasting warnings when two trains are heading towards each other? Even with sensor failures the sheer number of them would be able to detect the problem well in advance. No reason to expect rail companies to have any more foresight than any other company these days. Everyone just wants to look at the results for next quarter.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

41 Miles Up!

I guess I'm still a complete space geek at heart, because I still get shivers when I read about Burt Rutan and Scaled Composite's SpaceShipOne, which was launched today for the third time and reached an altitude of almost 41 miles, which is 9 miles short of being considered space flight!

It's almost time to abandon NASA and have the government start paying for cargo to be launched into space from the lowest bidder. NASA has pretty much outlasted it's usefulness at this point and is just a colossal waste of money on an agency that has no pioneering spirit any longer. I mean they're too afraid to even service the Hubble telescope, so why would we entrust them with the effort to go back to the Moon or onwards to Mars? We need to put the space shuttles into museums and use some of the money saved to offer bounties similar to the X-Prize.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004


Video games have finally come down to Jeff's level in this CNN report.
Van Helsing

Paul "Fatboy" Clemmons and the Evil Tennessee Tobacco Lobby are trying say that Van Helsing was a complete flop. I went to see it this past Sunday since my wife was merciful and didn't make me see the Olsen Twins movie. I thought it was fun but completely goofy and over the top. You can't expect too much from a summer action flick anyway. Buy a big popcorn, a box of peanut M&M's, a big ole diet coke, and sit back and enjoy it. Just seeing Kate Beckingsale in a corset was worth the admission price.
D.B.A.N. Wednesday

281 pounds, and I wasn't even trying hard.
What's In A Name?

See how common or rare your names are: The Name Statistics site. Alan came in at #91, but I'm sure that will keep dropping since I never see any kids named Alan anymore. Interestingly enough, "Jackass Falkner" came in as a mostly unique name, as did "Fatboy Clemmons."

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

D.B.A.N. Status

I haven't been too good on the diet this past week, but I haven't been too bad either. D.B.A.N. is 282 and hasn't changed since Friday. I've still been walking and cutting grass with a push mower, so I am burning more calories than normal. Hopefully it will get back on track this week.

Ok, I figured it out. You have to click on the top line of the post to leave a comment. This is not very intuitive, so hopefully they'll change that. Although maybe I have to change it with my template. I'll keep digging.

Edit: Cool, now you just click on the # Comments link after the posting time.
Let Hatch Have It

Blogger has recently added a ton of new features, including the ability for my loyal readers to leave comments for all my future postings. So feel free to tell me what you really think about anything I say. Try to keep it clean and civil, however.

Edit: Hmmm. For some reason I can't get the Comments option to work. I'll check it out and hopefully get it going soon.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

New Job for Hatch

I start a new job on May 17. It's a longer term contract that could go permanent. I'll have more details once all the paperwork is signed and it's official.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Monday Update

The D.B.A.N. is still at 280 pounds today, even after an unfortunate BBQ binge yesterday. Marissa started her new job today as a part-time office manager at a non-profit organization and I know she's going to like it a lot.

Friday, April 30, 2004

Keep it Simple Stupid

I've posted a lot of detailed fitness plans and schemes on this blog since the first of the year, but I've finally decided to just go with what we all know deep down works: Eat Less and Exercise More. With the Weight Watchers plan I've been restricting my diet to 1500 calories or less, and for the last week or so I've been walking about 2 miles a day. Today's D.B.A.N. is 280 pounds, which is about 40 lbs less than what I weighed back in December, 2003. I've lost about 8 lbs in the last two weeks on Weight Watchers, which is pretty good so far. I updated the D.B.A.N. chart to show some projected dates of reaching my target weight of 225.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Dwarven Haiku

Old, but still funny. The Dwarven Poetry thread.
New Scales

It's hard to say what the D.B.A.N. is today. The first 6 times I got on the scales this morning it read 278. Then it read 282 five times in a row. I could split the difference and call it 280, but I'll stick with 282 for now. My scales at home are electronic and fairly old, so they seem to be wildly inaccurate at times. I'll be researching this and getting back to my faithful readers soon.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Daily Update

Nothing much to say today so far. D.B.A.N. is still at 282, but shows signs of going down further soon. My heels are feeling much better today, and may be due to the fact that my calf muscles seem to have finally relaxed some and don't hurt really bad when I stretch them. I'm taking it a little easy today on the walking to give everything a chance to rest.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

They can have my Gmail when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands...

There's a lot of controversy about Google's Gmail and privacy concerns. My personal opinion is that most of the detractors are privacy fundamentalist and the typical liberal "we know what's best for you" bleeding hearts. Basically they're idiots. The best argument about this I've seen so far was this post by Tim O'Reilly.
Just Really Cool

This type of technology will be what drives the next real generation of computer gaming. Today's games can have really pretty and lifelike images, but you're still just staring at a computer monitor.

I'm proud to say that today's D.B.A.N. is 282, so I've finally broken through the 284 pound barrier. The extra walking I've been doing since last week is finally paying off. I did so much walking Sunday and Monday that my glutes actually hurt yesterday afternoon. My advice to anyone losing weight is "Hills are your friend." Find a steep hill and walk up and down it several times a day.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Use It Or Lose It


Friday, April 23, 2004


Ok, I ripped this URL from the Chetster, but it was too funny not to. Check out my blog after it's been pooted up.
Big Wheel Keep on Turning

The Big Wheel almost disappeared recently, but is making a comeback with a new company. I can't believe the new models don't have a hand brake on the side. That was the best part of Big Wheels. Growing up, our driveway was really steep and covered with chert rock. We'd ride Big Wheels down it at breakneck speeds and then pull on the brake and turn the wheel really hard to spin out at the bottom. We were really rough on Big Wheels, and probably went through half a dozen of them or more.

We also used to ride our Big Wheels off the end of the pier when we camped at the river during the summer. They float, but you can't really propel yourself in the water very well while you're riding them. My cousin Mark and I used to theorize that you could modify the main wheel to provide better aquatic propulsion, but we never had the means to implement it.
Google Me Baby

I acquired a beta account for the new Google email yesterday, and my new email address is jahatcher@gmail.com. I must say I really enjoy using it so far. One Gigabyte of storage space, archiving, easy search features, and quick filtering to different labels make it a real joy to use. It works perfectly with Mozilla Firefox, my favorite browser, and it's extremely fast, unlike my waywardhatch.com email which used SquirrelMail. I haven't found one thing about gmail so far that's annoying.
Sucking it Up

While the D.B.A.N. is stubbornly sticking to 284 pounds, my waistline is still shrinking. Today I had to use the last notch on my belt, and that notch is one I cut into it several years ago the last time I lost weight. I lost 4 pounds this week on Weight Watchers, and my lovely wife lost 1 pound. Not bad so far.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Lexington Just says 'No'

Bwahaha. Despite the best efforts of Paul Clemmons and the Tobacco Lobby, Lexington, Kentucky has passed a no-smoking ordinance and gotten away with it. Hopefully Nashville and Tennessee will be next.
D.B.A.N.ing Along

Still at 284 today. I think it should be on the verge of going lower. So far Marissa and I have been doing well on our diet for the last 7 days. She goes to officially weigh in later today, but she thinks she's lost 2 lbs this week.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


So I was watching Spartacus last night on USA. Doesn't seem to be too accurate historically. The biggest thing for me was the Romans using cavalry with stirrups in 72 B.C. I don't think stirrups were common in Europe until at least 500 A.D. I guess the show was reasonably entertaining, but I see no reason why they would have to change the story around.

Edit: This was the new Spartacus mini-series, not the old one with Kirk Douglas.
Tuesday Update

The D.B.A.N. for today is 284. After a slow start with Weight Watchers, I think the weight is starting to come off again. Marissa and I both seem to being doing well on it so far. It will probably save us money in the long run since we're planning out most of or meals now instead of just eating out all the time. I haven't been able to crack under 284 so far since I started losing weight this year. Hopefully this will be the week that it happens. Unfortunately, my heels are still hurting, but there may be some slight improvement recently.

Friday, April 16, 2004

New Thrones

Here's one for the Heffer. New toilets hitting the market that are much harder to clog. I'm sure Heff is up for the challenge.

The next time my wife trys to tell me I'm a big dork, I'm going to make her look at this website again.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Still Fat

The D.B.A.N. is at 288. I'm stuck in a rut. Tomorrow Marissa and I both start Weight Watchers. I've got to try something else since I haven't been able to stick to Atkin's lately. My heels are still hurting a good bit, but I think they're getting better. I spend several hours each night rolling a frozen 2-liter bottle of water under my feet. So far that's the only thing that's really helping it.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Maundy Thursday

My step-daughter Victoria asked me earlier in the week what Maundy Thursday was. I wasn't exactly sure at the time, but I looked it up. Check the link for more info.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Hatch States

I've been to 46 States so far.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

Thursday, April 01, 2004


Great. I missed having the latest model pacemaker from Medtronic installed by about 45 days. The new model I get in 8 to 10 years better play mp3's, that's all I've got to say.
Going Down Again

The D.B.A.N. today was 286. Headed lower again finally. My feet are hurting me a lot this week, so walking hasn't been much on the agenda. Hopefully I can get started again on the fitness plan next week.
Hatch Interest Kills Another Show

Well, everytime I start to like a T.V. show, it usually gets canceled. It happened to me last year with Lyon's Den, and now they're cancelling Century City after only 4 episodes. The show was sort of cheesy, but I enjoyed it for the most part.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004


Apparently I'm on a plateau again. I've been on the diet since Sunday but no weight is coming off. I haven't been walking as much or doing the fitness plan due to sore knees and feet, so that may account for some of it. The D.B.A.N. for today was 288, which is the same as it's been since Sunday. Hopefully it will get back on track soon.
Skullet Preservation

The staff here at Wayward Hatch are always on the lookout for ways to help preserve the Heff Skullet. It turns out a little more soy in the diet could solve two problems at once.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Jerry and Clark

The Adventures of Seinfeld and Superman. I don't have sound at work so I haven't watched these yet, but they look funny.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Crimson Berg

Sometimes art is great just because of the imagination and imagery. This red iceberg is a great example of that. Hopefully I can find some better pictures of it.

Edit: The artist's website has a good high res picture. You can't link directly too it, but dig around a bit and you'll find it.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Woo Hoo!

As you probably just saw in the message from my lovely and one of a kind wife, I turned 13,149 days old today. It's been 56 days since my 2nd chance on life began with the pacemaker implant. No D.B.A.N. this weekend, I've already blown the diet last night and today.
Happy 36th Birthday Hatch!

Happy Birthday Alan!

You are still our favorite grumpy Hatch even if you are getting really old now!
We love you and hope you enjoy your special day!! Marissa and Victoria

Thursday, March 25, 2004


I'm exhausted. I think I've done too much this week. I went to the Y late last night after bible study and did my upper body workout and managed 25 minutes on the treadmill. I'm not doing any extra walking today other than from the car to the office and the stairs to the 3rd floor. I'm going to rest today and tomorrow so I can have the energy to do some hiking Saturday morning at Lake Radnor. The D.B.A.N. today was 282, so if I make the hike on Saturday I'll have a 72.75 score for the week. With the adjustments I'll make for next week, I should be able to pace myself a little better.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

This Hatch Was Made for Walkin'

I went to the YMCA last night to continue the weekly fitness plan. I didn't go Monday night, so I lost two points there. I made up one point by walking at lunch yesterday. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, and this time I went 2.4 miles and 410 feet of vertical elevation, which averages to a 3.2% grade and 3.2 miles/hour. I also did some leg exercises, so I was pretty whipped when I stumbled back into the house last night. My short-term goal is still 3 miles and 500 ft of elevation in 45 minutes. Right now my first mile is still taking me about 18 minutes, so I've got a ways to go.

The D.B.A.N. for today is 284 lbs, so I'm back on track with the weight loss. I've also got a new chart to track the weight loss on my website.

I'm going to make some adjustments to the fitness plan for next week. The 45 minutes on the treadmill is pretty intense, and Wednesday nights are bad for me due to bible study, so I'm going to cut that back to just Tuesdays and Thursdays and increase it to 2 pts per 45 minutes. I'm also going to add 20 minutes at lunch for every weekday. Another thing I'm doing to add extra during the day is parking as far out as possible at work, which is about .15 miles, and I'm taking the stairs up to the 3rd floor.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Meat and Three Threw Me

I had a bad weekend for the diet. Marissa and I went to Paris, TN on Saturday to attend her great-uncle's funeral. While there we ate breakfast and lunch at a meat and three called "Knott's Landing." It reminded me too much of my City Cafe days and I splurged on some biscuits at breakfast and some roast beef and mashed potatoes with gravy at lunch. The D.B.A.N. for this morning was back up to 286. Not too much of a slide, but since I'm starting the weekly fitness plan today, hopefully it will come back off quickly.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Spring Forward

Everything you ever wanted to know about Daylight Saving Time. I've always heard it as Daylight "Savings" Time, but I guess that's part of the southern vernacular.

The weekly fitness plan doesn't officially start until this Monday, but I decided to try it out last night at the Y. I'm adjusting the walking time down to 45 minutes on weeknights. I'm doing this for two reasons:

1) The treadmills at the Y only like to go for 45 minutes maximum. Well, actually there are treadmills that will go longer, but not the ones that keep up with vertical distance.

2) I want to set goals for vertical distance in my treadmill sessions, so I'm setting the incline to a minimum of 2%. Last night I ended up doing 331 vertical feet in 2.27 miles for an average grade of 2.32%.

My goal for these sessions is to go 3 miles and 500 vertical feet in 45 minutes. I still want to walk outside at least 1 hour each week during the week though. When daylight savings time kicks in I'll be able to hit the greenway that's next to the Y for that.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

The Game is Afoot!

Ok, I'm declaring a fat jihad against my friend and hiking partner Paul Clemmons. Right now we're both doing Atkins and exercising, but he's at 257 lbs vs. my 282 lbs. The 25 pound difference must disappear! Even though Paul is under the influence of the tobacco lobbyists, I feel I can still catch him, especially if I pay his wife to take him to the sushi buffet. The battle of the Fat, Hairy, White Boys is on!
Man With a Plan

Ok, this is my first go at plan to get back into good hiking condition by June. I put it on my website since it wouldn't really show up well here.

The way it works is I'll score myself on what I do during the week and report on it Monday here on the Blog as a percentage. If I earn all 20 pts then it'll be 100%. I put a lot of pts into the big walk/hike on Saturday, so not doing that puts me at a maximum of 70% for the week. I figure if I can maintain a B average on this through June, I should be getting pretty lean and mean.
Hiking Hatch

This program is close to what I'm planning to do to get into good hiking shape by June. I'm still working on getting some specific goals refined, and I'll post them soon. The D.B.A.N. for today was somewhere between 282 and 284. I couldn't get the scales to ever make up its mind. I'm almost on the last notch in my belt, so that's feeling pretty good. I did a 15 minute hike around a park near work today at lunch to get the heart rate up some, and I'm going to the YMCA tonight.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Save the Heff Skullet

I've offered to donate butt hair follicles for my friend Jeff and others, but so far I've been declined. Maybe in about 10 years this procedure can help them.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Hatch Drafted

So I get home from work yesterday afternoon and the phone rings. It's a lady from the American Cancer Society. They read my editorial in the Tennessean and want to recruit me to help them out in their anti-smoking campaign in Tennessee. They're sending me more information. I couldn't very well say no since I ranted about it in the papers. Heh. It's been 1248 days since my last smoke, by the way.
Hatch Gasping

Great, I live in the 9th worst city for asthma in the country. My allergies have been going haywire for the last week, so this doesn't make me feel any better.

Monday, March 15, 2004

D.B.A.N. Report

Today's D.B.A.N. weight is 284. I'm going to come up with a list of fitness goals soon and publish them here. I just need a massive, well muscled man to beat me into a pulp if I don't stick to them. I'm hoping to start working out tonight as well. Bring on the pain!

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Done Been Lied To

I've heard it said several times you could see the Great Wall of China from space. Turns out it was a falsehood.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Out the Wazoo

Doing a low carb diet is definitely more expensive than eating normal food. You can't go and pick up a $2.99 special anywhere and eat it for lunch. Some people are getting ripped off though as this article points out. The D.B.A.N. for today is 285, by the way.
The Swarm

I've always thought cicadas were really cool, especially when you can pick them off the pine trees and make football teams out of them. Looks like this might be a good year for them here in Tennessee.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Comet Burned Chicago?

Hard to tell how serious to take this article, but is an interesting theory. Link via McRay.
Mojo Lays It Down

The 2nd Incarnation of Elvis, Mojo Nixon, is retiring. This is according to his website. I can't say any more right now. I'm too distraught.
Today's D.B.A.N.

This morning's weigh in was 286. I've definitely blown past the plateau from the last few weeks and the weight is really starting to peel off right now. BMI today is 37.7. Total weight loss is 34 lbs, which is more than 10% of my initial weight.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Letter to the Editor

The Tennessean recently published a letter I emailed to the editor with me ranting about the smoking regulations. You'll have to scroll down about halfway to see it. They left out the part where I complained about Senator Harper. I guess the editor must like her since she's "liberal." The link may expire soon as well, so read it now.
Back on Track

This morning's D.B.A.N. was 288 lbs, which is a BMI of 38.0. That's down from a BMI of 42.2 at the beginning of the year. When I hit 275 lbs I plan to publish my first before and after photos. Despite overwhelming requests from my loyal readers, the photos will not be nude shots.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Origins Again?!?

Why does every Batman movie seem to think they need to retell the whole origin story of Batman every time? We all know the origin of Batman! Do something original with the character. I'm thinking the suck factor on this new Batman movie will probably be pretty high. Too many stars for one thing. It'll be hard to fit all the face time each actor will demand into a decent movie.
Iron Man

Cool article about work on a powered exoskeleton. Too bad there were no pictures.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

A Quote to Live By

"I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul." - Calvin 1995

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Natural Pacemaker

Maybe in 8 to 10 years I can get rid of the pacemaker, at least according to this article.
Hatch the Slacker

Ok, I never called Senator Harper back. Yes, I suck. I still think it's ok to regulate smoking in restaurants and anywhere that has public access, despite what my friend Paul says. He's obviously under the influence of the tobacco lobby.
Not a Monkey!

Victoria and I have both started watching Dave the Barbarian on the Disney Channel lately. It's pretty humorous, both on an adult and children's level. It's nowhere close to Bugs Bunny and the Looney Toons, but I like it. Some critics don't seem to like it at all.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Sitcom Coincidence

My friend Jeff Robertson also pointed out that Thelma Harper was the name of the main character on the show Mama's Family back in the 80's.
Hatch Been Parodied

From one of my loyal readers:

Senator Hatcher,

I'm appalled by your recent vote against allowing pseudo-cities such as Mashsqueal
to decide their own policy concerning indoor farting laws. Your job is to
protect the welfare of your constituents. Methane is a dangerous
byproduct of the dangerous, addictive habit of indoor farting. If a community
decides that it wants to protect itself from this type of carcenogenic odor, it
should be allowed to do so. To hide behind a state law that was obviously influenced
by taco bell lobbyists is despicable on your part. This issue alone convinces me
that you should not be allowed to serve in office any farter.

"Phhhfftt !!!",

Jefferson D. Falkner
Coontown, AL
Hatch Mad

Well, I got so riled up yesterday about the smoking policy bill that I actually emailed Senator Thelma Harper. Below is the complete text of that email.

Senator Harper,

I'm appalled by your recent vote against allowing cities such as Nashville
to decide their own policy concerning smoking laws. Your job is to
protect the welfare of your constituents. Cigarette smoke is a dangerous
byproduct of a dangerous, addictive drug. If a community decides that it
wants to protect itself from this type of carcinogen, it should be allowed
to do so. To hide behind a state law that was obviously influenced by
tobacco lobbyists is despicable on your part. This issue alone convinces
me that you should not be allowed to serve in office any further.


J. Alan Hatcher
Hermitage, TN

Here's the kicker. She called my house last night and left a message for me to call her back, which I plan to do this afternoon. Stay tuned for more.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Smoky Politics

Tennessee still seems to be in the grip of the tobacco growers lobby, since a state senate committee recently voted against a bill that would allow local municipalities to pass their own laws concerning smoking.

The whole argument against this is that restaurant owners should have their own say about whether to allow smoking. I think this is a fallacy. In my mind it's the same thing as regulating what chemicals can be used in a restaurant or how clean a restaurant is. We have inspections to guarantee the health and safety of customers, why would it be so wrong to prevent a carcinogenic substance from being forced upon non-smokers? There's no "right" to release deadly chemicals into the air.
The Heartbreak of Hatch Bloat

This wasn't a good week for weight loss. I weighed in Monday night at 295, the same as the week before. I'm not exactly sure what caused it. I'm either on a plateau or the Chinese buffet I dined at 2 times last week had some hidden carbs in their meat offerings. For the next week or so I'm going to avoid eating out and bring my lunches in so I'll know exactly how many carbs I'm taking in.
Loo With A View

I love London. A new piece of artwork outside the Tate museum is certainly a creative idea.
Uncle Bud

Did you really mean to throw away that beer can last night that was still half full? Uncle Budweiser is not pleased.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Computer, lights

I have no idea how well this Voice Controlled Wall Switch Dimmer works, but it's not very expensive so I may try one soon.

If you want to get really geeky, you can purchase the Star Trek Voice Controller, which actually has Majel Roddenberry's voice programmed to respond to your commands.
Things To Read In The Bathroom

For those of you who are having trouble sleeping, I've updated my Autobiography of a Hatch page on www.waywardhatch.com. It now includes details of my recent time in the hospital and what's been going on for the last 1.5 years.

Monday, February 23, 2004

The Man Project

Here's a cool shockwave app that follows your mouse cursor around.
Powers of 10

This is cool. The ultimate zoom in.
Pacemaker Follies : Twiddler's Syndrome

Ok, yes I'm obsessed with looking up stuff about pacemakers. This article on Twiddler's Syndrome is interesting though. Maybe I should stop encouraging people to "feel my pacemaker, baby."

Friday, February 20, 2004

Hatch Wants to Work on the Railroad

I've been hankering to get back into some model railroading lately. I just need to figure out where I'd put a layout since space is at a premium at our house. I did run across this though. It's an HO scale Model Engine that actually runs off steam power. It even comes with gloves to handle it. It'll only set you back about 500 quid.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Self Tuning Guitar

I don't normally rip links from Slashdot, but this is just too cool. A self tuning guitar. It can even retune itself while you're playing it and can store 240 pre-configured tunings.

I've been informed by my friend Heff that he feels this guitar was spawned by Satan and will be the death of "real" guitar playing. That makes it even more uber cool in my book.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Hatch Reviews '50 First Dates'

Marissa and I went to see the new Adam Sandler movie '50 First Dates' on Valentine's Day. I normally try to avoid Adam Sandler because he tends to annoy me greatly. I was prepared to endure this movie but in the end it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Drew Barrymore was charming and not too goofy like she sometimes is in comedies. I wouldn't pay to see the movie again but I wasn't plucking nose hairs to entertain myself at least. Here's Mr. Cranky's review for comparison.
The Future of Robots

An interesting article. This factoid caught my eye : "...the typical U.S. household today has more than 225 microcontrollers..."

I just want to be able to control the lights, thermostat, and security system by speaking to a computer from anywhere in the house. We've been shown this type of thing for at least 50 years in the media. It's time to get it done and have it available at a reasonable cost. Of course, maybe it's already available and I just need to look into it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

When Hatch Turns Sideways He Disappears

On Tuesday, Feb 10th, I weighed 306 at the doctor's office. I went to the YMCA last night and I weighed in at 295. Not too shabby. I'm down about 24 pounds overall since the middle of January when I weighed 319. I've got 6 more days of Induction on the Atkin's diet that I'm following and then I can add a few carbs back into the mix. The low carb diet is a lot easier this time since a lot of restaurants have started offering low carb menu selections lately.

I'm still recovering from my surgery on Jan 30th. My scar on my chest is healing up, but it's feeling tight and itches a lot lately. My joints are still apt to have some pain in them and my right knee hurts when I'm walking down steps. Makes me feel like I'm about 60 years old or so. Overall I feel pretty good. Losing some more weight should help.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

A rich Englishman had a large network of tunnels dug out near Liverpool, England almost 200 years ago. Very strange but very fascinating.
Great news. The Scifi Channel has green lighted a 13 episode season one of Battlestar Galactica. No word on when the new episodes will air, but production starts next month. The Executive Producer also made some comments on the upcoming series. Hopefully they can maintain the same quality that was shown in the mini-series.
The checkup at the cardiologist went fine yesterday. No problems seen and I don't have to go back for 3 months. I still have to take it easy for about another month but after that I can resume the process of getting back into shape. I started the Atkin's Diet again on Monday. As of yesterday I weighed 306 at the doctor's office. Stay tuned for D.B.A.N. weight updates in the weeks to come.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

We Can Rebuild the Hatch

Sorry for the lack of updates for my faithful readers. I've been out of it a bit. On January 30, 2004 I officially became a cybernetic organism with the implant of a Medtronics Kappa KDR901 model pacemaker. I had a condition known as 3rd Degree Heart Block, which was causing my heart to only beat at 33 beats per minute, and I could have dropped dead at any moment. All is well now, though. I'm still recovering and I'm going to see my cardiologist later today. I'll update later on the results from that.