Saturday, January 29, 2005

Flip Flop Pop a Top

Hopefully the next time the Heffer decides to hit the beach he'll invite the Hatchers to join in the fun. If he does I'll get him a pair of these sandals that have a bottle opener built in. Then all he'll need is a pair of sunglasses that will automatically squirt sun tan lotion on his bald spot.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

My d6 beats Heff's d4

For those of you who lean more towards geekdom, here's a D&D guide to sex. Until a few weeks ago, I was still participating in an online RPG, but Paul Clemmons and Big Tobacco saw fit to end the dream for everyone. Now where did I put that Peter North Everlasting Bucket of Love that I wrenched from the Tomb of the Hedgehog in the depths of Christy Canyon?

Friday, January 07, 2005


My right bicep is killing me this morning down near the elbow. I think I may have stretched the tendon out a little too much there. I woke up without huge hunger pangs this morning though, so I think things are going well so far with the dieting. I'm anxious to see if I've lost any weight this week. I think my pants are a little looser, but I may be imagining it.

Last night Burt and I ate at a place called Miller's Ale House in Alpharetta. I had the blackened Mahi Mahi and a small baked potato with a little sour cream and a small side of slaw. Very good food and it wasn't very expensive either.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

W.W.H.D. ?

Every weight loss attempt should have a theme, so I've decided that when it comes to decisions about what I should eat or how I should exercise, I'm first going to ponder What Would Heff Do, and then do the opposite. If Heff can be so wrong, the exact opposite can only be so right. Heff wants me to do 4 sets? I'll do 1. Heff wants me to jog? I'll walk. The satisfaction of showing Heff up will serve as motivation that can't be beat. In fact I may write a book about it.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Second Verse, Same as the First

USC really blew out Oklahoma in a laugher of a game last night to repeat as National Champions. It's a good thing the SEC didn't embarass ourselves by sending a team that just scraped by the #9 team in the country. Wooo, we beat #9.

Check out this article for a list of teams that have repeated the title. Hmmm, I wonder who would top the list of teams that went undefeated the most times and didn't get a title? Must be great to be a fan of the Rodney Dangerfield of college football teams.

I can hardly wait to hear what Fatman and the Huffer have to say about this post...
Arise, Hatch

The beast has started to stir as Hatch and Burt went to the gym this morning about 7:15 am local time. I did one set of 12 for all the upper body muscles. I'll go to two sets next week each day so I can maybe actually move around without too much agony these first few days. I won't make my two readers endure any D.B.A.N. reports this time.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Why is Hatch so Shocked?

I realize the guy recently charged with shining a laser at planes is obviously not very bright in the first place, but I'm still somewhat amazed at his continued ignorance even after he was apprehended. Now Hatch is no criminal mastermind or a lawyer (is there a difference?), but even I've seen enough episodes of CSI or Law & Order that I could coach someone on the following answers during interrogation.

FBI: Do you own this laser device Hatch?

Hatch: Yes. (Since obviously they saw me with it.)

FBI: Did you point it at the planes and the helicopter?

Hatch: Nope. No way!

FBI: Will you take a polygraph test?

Hatch: Nope. There is no scientific evidence that they're accurate.

FBI: Oh come on! We know you and Heff drank too many Buttery Nipples and started pointing this device at the planes. Heff already ratted you out. Do you want to be the only one to go down hard for this?

Hatch: Heff drank way more Buttery Nipples than I did so it's entirely possible that he pointed the device at something while I was eating all the cheese out of his refrigerator, but I did not see him do it nor did I point it at anyone myself.

This guy obviously got played with hard by the feds, but since he is obviously hindering the effective development of a viable gene pool in his area, I feel no pity for him. Trying to tell them that it was your daughter? Come on! What kid wouldn't pee their pants the first time the FBI came down on them and start blabbing about how their Daddy did it? I know mine would and Heff's kid would definitely do it after he got shafted out of his spacious bedroom last week.