Monday, July 31, 2006

Heff vs. The Arachnid

I got an email from Heff on Saturday afternoon, along with a picture. I thought everyone would enjoy reading it to see how girly Heff has become to torch a harmless creature:

"GREAT Saturday morning for me. I take Donna to work, I'm still half asleep as I get home and notice a rather large weed in the flowerbed which is totally unacceptable. I walk out to the middle of the flowerbed and pull the weed. I turn to my side to look for other weeds since I'm out there, and THIS damn thing is one inch from my nose. I know these things are harmless, but this angus beefsteak of an arachnid scared the wilfred out of me. I squealed like a violated schoolgirl, and nearly soiled myself. Just to give some size perspective, the elephant ear leaf behind him is over 2 ft. His body was about 4 inches, not including the legs, which looked hairier than my back believe it or not. I say "his" because I swear I saw testicles on this thing. Anyway, I took care of it the best way I knew how, and the way I always took care of outdoor intruders as a rebellious, girly teen. Hairspray + Lighter = torched garden spider. Any Fear Factor applications I receive through email or otherwise will be promptly rejected."

10 comments:

BamaNana said...

Have his/her 1st cousin right outside my computer window - same coloring, same web, same size. I watch him/her interact with the hummingbirds, who are supposed to keep spiders away.
Oh, & remember THE KIDS go to your blog to see pictures & read about the baby. Might need to consider bleeping a few words.

TheHeffer said...

Nana, I'll be there in five minutes with a bic, and a can of AquaNet.

Alan said...

The fact that you actually have a can of Aquanet in your house is very scary to me.

TheHeffer said...

Trust me. It's not MINE.

HatchWife said...

oooh. I remember AquaNet. That was used in the 80's for mall hair. Of course I never used it. I am sure that is what the boys in the 'hairbands' used too.

As far a Heff acting like a girl over the spider... Maybe having the mullet for all these years is making him turn feminine. Just a thought... It's not natural to have a hair-style like that for too long with out some sort of side effect.

BamaNana said...

I'm not ready to get rid of my spider - just a bunch of frogs. Will the bic and AquaNet work on the frogs?

TheHeffer said...

Yep, just takes a little longer to cook them.

NANOOK said...

Hey Hatch, Heff, and everybody.
Please take me away from this place.

TheHeffer said...

It's Nanook ! Straight from the armpit of the Earth !

NANOOK said...

San antonio: the hairy armpit of America?