Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Today's Blog Requiem

"The last act is bloody, however fine the rest of the play. They throw earth over your head and it is finished forever." - Blaise Pascal

"Why can't we all just get along?" - Rodney King

"I drank what?" - Socrates

I've decided to turn my powers of evil towards the Blog O' Heff next. He has to pay the price for leaving an angry pregnant woman waiting for me when I got home from work tonight. I had to wield the Comments Rod of Correction tonight and I wasn't happy about it. I also wasn't happy to find Androo's blog gone since he really is a pretty cool kid. I guess I've officially shattered three blogs this week since I'm such a "sick and perverted person." All you can do is laugh when you're confronted with such baseless and pedantic accusations.

This all reminds me of tale from highschool involving Heff and our deceased buddy Mok and others. We had spent several months checking books out of the library under each other's names then hiding them on the wrong shelf back in the library. The librarian posted a list all over the school every week listing the title of the book and who had checked it out for all books that were overdue. Our tactic was to find the most goofy sounding book title we could and wait for the person's name to appear on the list.

Our favorite target was a guy named Kent, who was older than us and tended to bully us around a lot. Unfortunately we went overboard with it as we always do and the list came out with about 10 books overdue for Kent, including such great titles as "Why do Mosquitos Buzz in My Ear?" and other children's books. He knew it was us of course, so he immediately went to the office and told Ms. Lightsey, the assistant principle.

About six of us were called to the office and Ms. Lightsey marched us into Mr. Bulger's office, the principle. Mr. Bulger was at the end of his career as an educator, and held very lax discipline standards. He just looked at us for about a minute and said "Get it fixed." We all smiled and marched out of his office, but Lightsey made us circle up in the hall. She was obviously furious that Mr. Bulger hadn't done anything about it, so she started screaming at us.

"Who did it? Who did it? I want to know who checked out books in Kent's name."

There was an awkward pause and then I said quietly "I checked out two of them."

Now I was fully expecting all my buddies to back me up here. If you've done something wrong, just admit it, apologize, and move on. I knew in my heart of hearts that Heff, Dave, Mok, and Nanook would all admit their involvement and we'd suffer the punishment together.

Nope. They all started staring at their sneakers and didn't say a word. So I got a paddling and had to spend a couple of hours finding all those goofy books where they were hidden in the library. Plus I had to listen to my buddies laughing about it for weeks afterwards.

Anyway, I promise the theatrics for this most recent incident are over and this will not be mentioned again until I write it all up someday so posterity can learn from our playground antics. Oh, and in case you feel left out Wilfred, I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too.


TheHeffer said...

"Penis is as Penis Does" - Forrest Gump.

Anonymous said...

Amen! You are both jerks at least Heff is Real!

TheHeffer said...

My, how the memory fades. I wasn't involved in that farce WHATSOEVER. Alot of the people from that group did, however, explode ketchup packs in library books, and were of course busted. I was called in to Lightsey's room in the office, and was asked, "Who did it ?" I quitely pointed to Jarg, who was guilty by association ONLY. He got his innocent ass beat HARD while David House, Mauk, Nanook and the others that REALLY WERE GUILTY marched passed him back to their classes, barely able to fight back the laughter as Jarg's fanny cheeks flapped from the wrath of Lightsey's board. Jarg didn't speak to me for days after that event.

Alan said...

Well, I wasn't sure who exactly was standing there, but that doesn't change the point of the story. I know Dave and Nanook were there and I'm pretty sure about Mok.