Top 10 Reasons Heff Never Leaves Columbiana

10. It's the only part of Shelby County that has been declared a Mullet Refuge.
9. PT Cruiser takes too long to get up enough speed to get over that hill to Calera.
8. Halloween warrant from Chilton County still outstanding.
7. Bob won't let him take any time off.
6. Twenty-five years of Playboy magazines can't be left alone at home that long.
5. Driving that far might actually involve buying gas more than once a month.
4. An ex-wife/girlfriend in every surrounding city.
3. Mame cabinet construction much more important than visiting friends.
2. Can't leave computer because he might miss the next exciting Trailer of Love post.
1. If you can't roll the windows down and feel the wind through your hair why bother?